Hidden feelings
by Calleigh's little girl
Summary: After Elle left,they realize that they have fallen for each other,but before they can figure out how to deal with this tradgedy strikes again.Spoilers for all eppys up to Boogeyman.Please R&R!HotchElle
1. A long denial ends

**Discs.: I don't own CM or its characters!**

**A/N: And another fic I wrote. It takes place after Elle had left Hotch's office in "Boogeyman" - there are at least spoilers for all eppys up to this one...**

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Hidden feelings**

_1.Denial_

When Elle had left the office, Hotch muttered a low : " I'll miss you too..."

He decided to pay her a visit after work - and that he won't leave before she agreed to come back.

_Meanwhile :_

When Elle left the parking lot tears were running down her face. She wished she had talked with Hotch before storming out of the office, but it was impossible for her.

_Later that day :_

When the others came back, Hotch left his office to tell them.

Without any introduction he just stated bluntly :

"Elle has quit."

The other agents of his team looked at him - not able to believe what their supervisor had just said...

"Are you serious?" Morgan asked.

Hotch was only able to nod. He felt so empty - telling the team had made it real...

He was almost at Elle's place, when his cell phone started ringing. It was Haley, who asked him when he would be home. Hotch thought for a while and Haley told him she needed him at home. He sighed and finally replied :

"I'm already on my way..."

He doubted that he would be able to change Elle's mind, so he took a turn and drove the shortest way home.

_A few hours later :_

When he was lying in bed next to his wife he realized that he had been in denial for a very long time...He had denied for so long that he had fallen for Elle - that the sudden loss of her was almost unbearable for him. And even if he wasn't her boss anymore he knew that it was a risk he couldn't take...He couldn't try to convince Elle to stay because he wasn't sure if he was able to stop himself from giving in to his feelings when being alone with her in her apartment...Some time later he realized that he wouldn't be able to sleep, so he got up. He heard Haley stirring and whispered :

"I have to get back to the office..."

He kissed her softly good-bye, then he left.

_Half an hour later :_

Hotch had been lost in his thoughts that he hadn't been aware of where he had been driving. So he was very surprised to realize that he just parked in front of Elle's apartment.

He saw that the light was still on, for a moment he considered to leave the car and to try to talk with her - but then he decided against it. He looked once again up to the windows of her apartment then he drove off - to the office.

_Meanwhile :_

Elle was standing at one of the windows of her apartment, which were facing the street. She saw the car which was parking in front of the building and instantly knew that it was Hotch.

When the car drove away, she let out a sad sigh and went back to the living-room. She wished Hotch had come up to her - so that they could talk...

A moment later tears were once again running down her face when the realization sunk in that he would never find out now.

He would never find out how she was feeling for him - that she had fallen for him the very first time she had worked with him, back in Seattle...She wondered if she should call him and asking him to come over.

_Sixteen minutes later, at the office :_

Hotch was sitting at his desk wondering what he should do now... He couldn't bring himself to get the necessary paperwork done, which would make Elle's resignation official.

But on the other hand he was not sure if he was able to keep denying his feelings for her much longer when she stayed. He knew that his marriage was falling apart and being around Elle almost everyday without feeling more and more drawn to her was getting harder with every case they worked on, and somehow he knew that it was going to become an impossibility some time soon...

Maybe - just maybe - it was a good thing that she had left, because he wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to resist the temptation to just give in to his feelings for one of his subordinate - and he knew that when he reached that point he would just stop caring for anything except of _her, _it would be reaching a point with no turning back for him - he couldn't risk that for the sake of his family, for his career but most of all for both of their sakes...It would destroy their good working relationship, not to mention their friendship and maybe even themselves...

He let out a heavy sigh and wondered if she had left, because of what he had said to her...For a moment he was tempted to just storm out of the building and go to see her, he tried to fight the inner need and one - even if he knew that this little victory won't last for long. A short time later he started to stare at his cell phone which he had put onto the desk. He wondered if he should call her...

_Tbc

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_**A/N : I hope you liked this fic, it sort of worked out differently as intended. Please review!**


	2. A phone call

**Discs.: I don't own CM or its characters!**

**A/N: I just finished the update - Hope you will like the new chapter.**

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Hidden feelings**

_2. A phone call_

Without giving it further thinking, Hotch grabbed his cell and left the office again. While on the way to his car he dialed a number he knew by heart.

"Hello?" A female voice answered.

"Hey it's me, Elle..." Hotch reached the car and a short moment later he started the engine.

"What's the matter?" He heard in her voice that she had been crying and answered :

"Listen Elle, I know it is very late, but would it be okay if I come over? - I think we need to talk..."

For a moment it was quiet then she replied quietly : "Okay."

They both hung up. Hotch started speeding, driven by an inner need to see Elle.

When he arrived, he took in a deep breath, then he left the car and went to the front-door. It took only a few minutes before Elle opened the door for him.

"Come in..." Elle smiled at him.

"Listen Elle, I'm sorry for what to you at the cemetery..."

"If this is going to end with you trying to change my mind you can leave right away - I'm not coming back."

They took both a seat in the living-room.

"I just want to know why - please?" He looked at her.

"I don't think I could handle keep working with the BAU or with you..." she trailed off.

"Me personally or the team in general?"

"Both..." Elle looked sadly at him.

"Why is that?"

"Because I can't trust myself - especially around you."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know..."

"You are a bad liar...You know it exactly."

"Well maybe, but what makes you think that I want to talk about it?"

She gave him a stubborn glance. But he saw also something else in her eyes, pain, sadness - and longing.

"Elle, please confide in me - I know I should have been there for you after what happened in Dayton, instead of accusing you of shooting him intentional...But I'm here now, listen Elle, I need you on the team, you are a great agent and an even better profiler...And..."

"No, I can't keep working for the BAU." Elle interrupted him.

"Why?" Hotch looked questioning at her.

"Because I can't stand being around you, without feeling so empty...Sometimes I feel like I'm slowly drowning and suffocating - because I can't handle the fact that you just seem to be too blind to see it..."

Tears started running down her face.

"If I keep working with you it's going to destroy me...Sometimes when I came home after work, I broke down, because I knew that you were at home with your perfect wife, and that you would never realize that it slowly kills me to know how happy you are with her..."

She looked him straight into the eyes and went on :

"You don't get it?! You are able to profile every kind of criminal, but you are incapable of realizing it...Every time I be around you, I feel like it's getting too much for me to take, that you just seem to not see that I...that I have fallen for you a very long time ago..." Elle bit her lower lip.

For a while they were both silent, Elle observed Hotch, waiting for a reaction, while he let his head hang, trying to comprehend what he had just heard.

When he finally lifted his head and looked at her, he was instantly lost in her eyes and shocked by the pain he found in them.

"God, Elle...I don't know what to say..."

"Yeah, how should you...You have no idea how it feels for me to know that I will never be able to be with you, to know how much you seem to love her, or to know how happy you obviously are with your wife...If I keep working with you I'm gonna lose myself..."

"Actually I know exactly how it feels to have feelings for someone you can't have - someone you are not even allowed to desire, because of so many different reasons...You are right, I love Haley - but there is another woman I love maybe even more..."

He saw how the pain in Elle's eyes increased, she let her head drop. Hotch lifted his left hand and caressed softly her cheek.

"Listen Elle, this woman - is you...I know how you feel - because I feel the same. But what am I supposed to do? I'm married, I have a little son I adore, I'm still your boss, I can't leave Haley - I just can't - but I also couldn't have an affair with you, it wouldn't be fair - I couldn't do that to Haley and even less to you..."

"Do you thing hearing this is making it any easier for me?"

"No...But you deserve more than what I can give you. You deserve more than being someone's mistress, to be kept a secret and you certainly deserve more than being with someone who is spending a few times per week a few hours at night with you before leaving you alone in the middle of the night to get home to his wife and little son...I just can't do that to you."

"So, what are we going to do now?"

They shared a long glance and Hotch quietly replied :

"I don't know Elle...I only know that I need you around...Don't go. I need you at the office."

He caressed softly her cheek. She smiled at him and kissed him.

"Elle..." She kissed him again.

"I love you and I want to be with you - even if it is only for one night."

"Elle, I can't do this - you mean too much to me...It could never be just one night - we both know that."

"One night is eternity compared to never..."

"Maybe, but what would happen tomorrow - do you really think we could just behave as if it never happened? That we could go back to how our life had been before? I seriously doubt that."

"Please stay tonight - I need you more than anything else."

"I can't...I actually should better leave now." He looked sadly at her and got up.

"Sorry Elle...Still I hope you change your mind about working with the BAU...The team needs you - I need you."

"Why did you never came?" Elle looked at him.

"What do you mean?"

"After I had been shot, you never came to the hospital..."

"It was too much for me to see you like this...It reminded me only of what I let happen to you."

"Listen to me, it wasn't your fault that this happened - believe me."

"If you say so...Well, I should go." He turned to leave.

"Why don't you stay a little longer? It's still quite early...There are still a few hours left before you have to get to work, so..."

"Don't make it even harder for me, Elle, please..."

Elle got up as well and went to him.

"Don't go yet..."

She looked at him a soft smile on her lips.

"God, Elle, I ..." He trailed off, he looked at her lost in her beautiful eyes, then he bent and softly kissed her. When they broke the kiss, they went back to the couch and took a seat.

"So, you are going to stay?" Elle smiled.

"Yeah, seems that way..." Hotch saw her smile widen.

"It feels good to have you here. I missed talking with you..."

"I know, I had been distant in the last time, but..."

"It's okay...Now you are here."

"No it isn't okay. If I had been there for you, I would have realized that you hadn't been ready for playing the decoy for Lee - and you wouldn't have been in the situation to shoot him..."

He let his fingers slide through Elle's hair.

"You shouldn't have cut your hair."

"I needed a change..."

They smiled at each other. Elle leaned closer to Hotch, who pulled her into a tight embrace.

"Do you want a coffee?" She looked him straight into the eyes. He slowly nodded and said :

"I could really use some caffeine..."

Elle got up laughing, but both their smiles vanished, when they heard the sound of bursting wood.

_Tbc_

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**A/N: Hope you liked it - please take the time to review!**


	3. Anxiety

**Discs.: I don't own CM or its characters!**

**A/N: This took also quite a while - thank goes again to Damned Lolita...**

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Hidden feelings**

_3. Anxiety_

Gideon came out of his office, and joined the rest of the team.

"He's still not in?"

The others shook their heads. Jason pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number, while heading back to his office.

"Hotchner."

Haley answered the call.

"Hey Haley, it's me, Jason. May I talk with Aaron?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, he isn't answering his cell - wait a sec, he isn't at home?"

"No I thought he was working - that's what he told me before he left in the middle of last night...Jason, please tell me what's going on..."

"Calm down, Haley. It's probably nothing."

"What if something happened to him?"

"Trust me, nothing happened to Aaron...Okay, Haley?"

Jason only hoped he was right.

After he hung up he went to the bullpen.

"We have a problem."

The other agents of the team looked at Gideon.

"Hotch has vanished... according to his wife he should be here..."

"So what are we going to do now?" JJ asked.

"You and Reid start checking the hospitals, and call the local Police

Departments to check if he was involved in a car accident. Morgan, talk with Garcia, and tell her to check Hotch's phone records..."

The team parted to work on their tasks.

_Twenty minutes later:_

The team had met at the conference room to talk about the results of the researches.

"He wasn't involved in a car accident, that's for sure." JJ told them.

Morgan joined them.

"Well, Garcia found something..."

"What is it?"

Gideon looked at him.

"She checked Hotch's phone records, like you asked for. He called Elle and it seems like he had been on the way to her place while he was on the phone with her."

"Okay, Reid and Morgan get to Elle's apartment and check if she knows where Hotch is."

"Got it."

Morgan and Reid left.

_Thirty minutes later:_

When they reached their destination and got out of the car, Reid stated, "Isn't that Hotch's car?"

He pointed at it, and Morgan nodded.

"Let's go."

They rang the door bell, but no one opened. A moment later an elderly woman came out of the building, so they took their chance and went in. They went up to Elle's apartment. When they were close enough to see the door Morgan stopped Reid and pointed at it— it was obviously opened a bit, since the wood was partly busted. They drew their guns, and Morgan gave Reid a sign that he would enter the apartment first.

For a moment they were shocked by the way the living room looked. It resembled a minefield. There were obvious signs of a heavy struggle. They looked through the rest of the apartment, but didn't find any of their colleagues.

Morgan pulled out his cell phone and dialed Gideon's number.

"What's up, Morgan?"

Gideon answered the call.

"We have a serious problem..."

"What do you mean?"

"Hotch had been at Elle's place; his car is parked in front of the building. But they are nowhere to be found. The door had been kicked in— the living room looks like a battlefield..."

"Okay get the CSU there and then come back to the office."

"Got it."

They hung up, and Morgan did what Gideon had asked for.

An hour later, Reid and Morgan arrived back at the office.

_Conference room:_

"So, what do we have so far?"

Gideon looked at his colleagues.

"Not much...Hotch had called Elle around 3 am - on the way to her apartment. The neighbors seem to have noticed nothing at all so we don't know when it happened." Reid stated.

"It must have been at least three to four men." Morgan pointed out.

"Why's that?" JJ asked.

"Well, Hotch and Elle are trained Special agents of the FBI. If it had been less than three men it would have been impossible for them to abduct them both, probably not even one of them. And by the way do you really think that Hotch would just let it happen?"

"But how were they supposed to know that Hotch would be there as well? I mean he hadn't planned to visit Elle..." Reid said.

"That's a good one...Well, probably it was only a coincidence that it were enough men to handle Hotch as well. I think, two of them took care of Hotch, the other one or two got Elle."

"We only need to find out who it was, and where they're holding them." Gideon pointed out the obvious.

_Tbc_

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**A/N: Thanks for reading. Please take the time and review!**


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